Santa Clara University

William Huerta

Dual Identities
by William Huerta

MY FAMILY

The history of my family is one embedded in the country of Mexico. It is a history of struggle, faith, strength, and empowerment that has for generations created people with high goals, motivations, and many outlooks. It is a history that permits me to have a dual identity as a Mexican in a traditional family and as a student at Santa Clara University. Nonetheless, both identities are part of my everyday existence.

Through time my family history has revealed to me that one of my great grandmothers was an adelita who, along with the revolutionary leader Pancho Villa, sought social justice for the poor of Mexico. My paternal grandparents were born in Baja California where they later immigrated to the United States in hope of a better life. My father was their second child, born in Brawley, Calf. in 1938. For many years my grandparents, along with my father and their other children, worked the fields of the San Joaquin Valley under the intense sun. For years at a time, my father lived in the farm-owners labor camps and moved from camp to camp, depending on the next crop to be picked. My father often described to me the pain that he experienced as his hands bled from picking cotton in the fields.

Because his family was constantly moving from field to field, my father never had the opportunity to receive a stable education. Oppressed by the need to work in the fields to help his family, my father never completed high school. He later received his GED but was forced by financial demands and the scarcity of work to return to the fields. My father quickly understood the opportunities that were not available to him as a result of his lack of schooling. He does not want me to experience the same constraints and thus he has encouraged me to get an education.

My mother was born in Juarez, Chihuahua, Mexico in 1953 to hard-working parents of a family of 13. My mother was the second youngest child in the family and played a vital role in the economic stability of the family. She gave up school and only completed an elementary level education so she could work at a local market to help her family. Working long hours and understanding the restraints placed upon her by economic demands, her dreams of a professional career as a businesswoman diminished. She realized that the only business work that was within reach was constrained within the walls of the small market. She worked at this market until the age of 19 when she immigrated to the U.S. in hope of creating a future here. Once here, she slowly immersed herself into American society yet struggled because of language barriers. My mother knew no English and spoke only her native Spanish language. She confronted many barriers in her life because she did not know English. These restraints confined her to a low social and economic position. My mother knew about the education system but she did not know how to gain access.

Although my parents may not have received a college education, my older sister and I nevertheless learned much from them. They have instilled in us the confidence, strength, and support necessary to seek and achieve our dreams. They support all of our efforts and encourage us to attain the opportunities that were not readily accessible to them. I am proud of my parents. Their whole lives they have worked hard to ensure that family stability remained and that my sister and I always had what we needed. Despite many hardships encountered to the present day, my parents have always taught me to strengthen my faith in God and la Virgen de Guadalupe to overcome any obstacle that I may encounter. This faith grew tremendously during the struggles of my early youth, which in turn empowered and influenced me to attend college.

GROWING UP

In the mid-1980s my father lost his job working for Almaden Vineyards. For months my father attempted to find a job with little success. Because my mother did not speak English she was unable to find a job either. Slowly, as each week went by we found ourselves in greater and greater debt. By the time my father found another job, we had many unpaid bills.

To make ends meet, my family and I would sell second-hand goods at the local San Jose Capitol Flea Market. For long hours every Saturday and Sunday we would work from 4 a.m. until about 5 p.m. We were confronted by the intense cold of the early morning as we unpacked our goods and confronted once more by the scorching sun as we repacked our goods in the late afternoon. My parents, older sister, and myself were sunburned, tired, and dirty as the end of the workday approached. But this was a sacrifice that the whole family was willing to endure in order to attempt to keep our home. We had little choice other than to work every weekend and thus put up with the humiliation we were made to feel and the attitudes that people would give us. Flea market shoppers would question my family's intelligence by speaking to us in a slow and loud manner, confusing our financial need to sell second-hand goods with some form of ignorance. People would keep their distance from us as if we were contaminated with some contagious disease that would be transmitted if they had any contact with us simply because our clothes were not as tidy as theirs. Those people may have never known how much it hurt us emotionally to be treated in such a way.

We were belittled yet swallowed our pride in order to make a sale. Although we never spoke about it, such feelings of hurt were apparent on all of our faces during such experiences. Silence was our only solace.

This continued for a number of years as we slowly dug ourselves out of the deep financial hole that we had fallen into. Just when we were beginning to catch up, both of my parents became ill. My mother and father alike were hindered by the need to work and illnesses that made it difficult for them to do so. As a result, we were no longer able to sell at the flea market as frequently as we used to which created a greater financial strain and demand for my father. My father continued to work at local warehouses where he had to put up with bosses who constantly put him down. My father was consistently humiliated because of his worn clothes by his employers and repeatedly told, "Viejo, Mexicans have no sense." My father would force himself to "bite his tongue" in order not to risk losing his job.

The bills continued to accumulate. We had no money to pay the bills and no money for food. Each day, my sister and I would come home from school in tears because the kids at school would make fun of our old worn-out clothes. My aunts and uncles would bring us groceries every week so that we would have food on our table. My father's entire paycheck and the money we earned from the flea market went directly to unpaid bills and to ensure that we would not lose the house. Still burdened with illness and with no health insurance, my parents would have to go to county hospitals and clinics in order to receive medical care. There were hospitals and clinics that claimed to offer quality medical care, but nevertheless provided poor medical services to my parents. As a result, their illnesses remained untreated. My parents had to wait for hours at a time for a simple five-minute doctor visit that did not allow for a full explanation of the severity of their conditions. Many times my parents left the clinic more confused about their condition than with a clear understanding of what was occurring to their bodies.

Growing up poor and under difficult circumstances are experiences that have empowered me. Although these experiences were difficult, from them I learned the value of family, commitment, and how to strive to reach better things. I also learned to appreciate opportunities that I have earned on my path to higher education. After witnessing the injustices that my parents have experienced at the county medical clinics, I am inspired to become a physician so that I may be able to return to the community in which I was raised to provide quality health care to immigrant families. To understand the social forces that hindered my family for years and continue to hinder them to this day, I decided to major in sociology. Understanding people from diverse life experiences is a key that sociology is providing me, and a key that will in turn make me a more effective physician in the future. By combining my personal experiences, sociological knowledge, and medical training, I hope to make a difference in underprivileged communities. My family background has been the greatest contributor to empowering me to seek this path through higher education.

MY EDUCATION

As a result of my life experiences, I gradually began to understand that the only way out of my situation was through higher education. I understood that an education is the key to upward mobility. In an effort to reach my goal of going to college, I worked hard throughout high school to get the best grades possible. Just when I thought that my path to higher education would not be hindered, educators at my high school began to discourage me from attending a four-year university. I was told many times that "Santa Clara University is too much for you." This was usually followed by, "Why not a community college, there are more people like you (Latino) there."

After enough of these sorts of remarks, I tore up my only application to Santa Clara University in disillusionment. I placed my trust in educators who I believed knew what was best for me. I had my heart set on SCU because of all the universities that I researched while in high school, it promised to provide me with a quality education among a network of students and professors who shared similar goals. The small class sizes and the small student-professor ratio were major factors in my choosing Santa Clara. The resources available also made my decision to apply to SCU easier, because the personal attention provided by the different centers at Santa Clara created a feeling that my transition from high school to the University would be helped. Nonetheless, little did I know that my high schools' actions were the result of "tracking" efforts because they had lower expectations of "people like me."

A cousin of mine, Maria del Socorro Castanenda, was one person who strongly supported and encouraged my efforts to apply to Santa Clara and stressed that I should not listen to the educators at my high school. Maria graduated from SCU in 1998 with a bachelor's degree in sociology. She greatly valued the education she received as a student. Maria also struggled with life experiences similar to mine. She was told that Santa Clara was "not for her" and "too prestigious for her," she was empowered by Monsignor Mateo of Sacred Heart Parish Church to apply to SCU. And through the support of both of them, I too sought to fulfill my goal of attending SCU.

Coming from an East San Jose high school that socialized me into believing that I would not be able to make it at Santa Clara, I came to the University with a fear of not "fitting in." Initially I found it difficult getting used to the new community of students and faculty. I was stepping into an institution that demographically was different than what I was used to. It seemed that every student I met during orientation would mention how their parents went to college and how together they spent months deciding which school was best for them.

During one student orientation icebreaker, we sat in a circle of students who asked whether or not we were the first to attend college. Although there were those who indicated that they were the first, the majority indicated that their parents had attended college. Of those who mentioned that their parents went to college, many talked about how their parents were actively involved in helping them to find a college that was perfect for them. Students mentioned how their parents would travel from one university to the next in an attempt to find the best university for them. At that moment, I began to feel out of place.

I started to feel that perhaps SCU was not for me. It seemed at the time that most of the students were entering the University with some familiarity of what to expect based on their family's background. My experience was different. My parents knew nothing about the college application process and even less about the difference between a two-year or four-year institution. My parents supported every effort that I made that would lead me to the University, but did not understand much about the process. There were incidents when my parents would accompany me to the Financial Aid office, sign some forms and not really understand what they were signing. Although my parents attended the Student-Parent Weekends sponsored by the University, they never felt comfortable because they did not understand the intent of most of the workshops. Nevertheless, my parents never failed to be by my side.

I initially felt a sense of not belonging to the University community. The community of students entering seemed well prepared for the challenging classes offered at the University. Some students shared with me that their parents were SCU graduates. As a result, they were able to learn a little more about Santa Clara from their parents. In addition, it seemed that many students had life experiences that allowed them to apply their classes to experiences in their own lives. Art History classes were courses that I enjoyed because of the content and knowledge that I acquired. Yet I felt at a disadvantage because when we learned about the great architecture of Rome or Versailles, other students in the class would be able to describe the visits they had with their families to these places. These places were unfamiliar to me. Even if my family knew about these places, we could never afford such expensive trips.

I felt I was living in two different worlds with two different roles. While at school, I lived the life of a student and academics. When at home I was a son who was part of a traditional Mexican family. Many times I was forced to separate myself from family traditions in order to pursue my role as a student. As early as I can remember, my mother and godmother frequently made dinner together, uniting my family with our closest relatives. Every year I am forced to leave these functions early in order to finish a research paper or to study for a midterm. My family has always been really close and having to leave family functions early, if able to attend them at all, has been difficult. Although my parents would like for me to be present at every family function, they understand that my future is dependent on my ability to put school first sometimes. As a result, they supported my decisions to put school ahead of everything else. For this I am grateful.

Being raised in an area of San Jose predominantly composed of lower-middle class immigrant families, it was more difficult for me to go to college and adjust to the higher education experience. Because the expectations of the youth in East San Jose are much lower than in other communities, information regarding college admission was not widely publicized. It was not expected that I would be capable of attending a university like Santa Clara and I was discouraged from my attempts. In addition, another problem I encountered was a lack of familiarity of the resources available. Neither me nor my family were familiar with what I had to do in order to attend a four-year university. My sister, who attended Evergreen Valley College for a year, was also not aware of the application process to four-year colleges. She too had been "tracked" to go to a community college although she proved to be an intelligent person. As capable and gifted as any other high school student, my sister was restrained by the expectations and resources available. My family could not help me to get college applications because they did not even know where to get them. They were not familiar with the difference between community college, state, the University of California, or private education. They were under the impression that they were all the same.

Once I was familiar with the higher education process, as a result of my determination, the support of my family, and the optimistic guidance of my cousin Maria, I applied to different universities across the U.S. Once I received acceptance notices and decided which university to attend, the next step was trying to figure out how to pay for such an expensive education. My parents definitely could not pay for such an expensive investment as the total tuition surpassed their income. After applying for financial aid, I felt comfort in knowing that my goal to attend Santa Clara could become a reality.

I had all the support of my parents, but there was very little that they could do directly to help me in my effort to attend a four-year university. Later, as a University student, I heard others talking about asking their parents to call professors about concerns they had. My parents would never do that because they felt uncomfortable speaking to people who, in their thinking, were "superior" to them academically. Even when I had trouble with financial aid or in other areas, I did everything on my own because my family didn't know how they could help. Generally, it was very difficult getting here because throughout the majority of the process I was alone to tend to my own needs. It would have been helpful if the university had provided some type of program where first generation students and their families can learn about the way the system works at SCU.

As a student at Santa Clara, I found comfort through becoming involved with Chicanos and Latinos in Health Education (CHE) because I met people who came from similar backgrounds, traditions, and experiences. What also helped my transition was living in the Walsh-Unity Residence Hall for my first two years. Living in an environment where there were students from my same culture and even from the same area of East San Jose helped me feel connected both to my both to my community roots and to the University. It definitely helped my transition from one community to another. I was living with a community of students who I could relate to and had the same educational motivations and aspirations.

Because many of us came from families where we were one of the first to go to college, we would work together to help each other make the transition to Santa Clara. Because there was no one in our families to help us make decisions about our education or what to major in, we asked one another for help. We also sought the assistance of various centers on campus. Some of the support that I would receive came from the Student Resource Center and the Multicultural Center. Without these resources my experience adjusting would have been more difficult than it was.

There have been many other resources that have made my transition to Santa Clara University easier including departments and professors. Although most centers, departments, and professors have an optimistic outlook for their students, it is necessary for me to address an issue that I think has impacted the professional dreams of many students. This issue is not widely discussed, not because it is not a concern but because it remains a sensitive issue to some students at Santa Clara.

When I started at the University, I declared a natural science major. By sophomore year I decided to change my major to sociology because of a new interest that emerged from my life experiences and the lack of support that I received from some faculty members in the natural/physical science departments. As a result, I decided to seek a natural science degree later in my path towards medical school. Nevertheless, changing majors is not always a voluntary decision for students. Some of the natural science departments have the reputation of "weeding out" students in an effort to keep only those that are most competitive as majors. Those students who are not as competitive as other students are many times blamed for their struggles in class. It is often asserted that those students are not doing well in their science classes because of their own unwillingness to study and not the result of some possible institutional failures.

It is necessary that individual departments evaluate their attempts to help students. They should measure the degree to which resources are available to students in an attempt to help them remain as majors in the department. Rather than simply blame students for their struggle, a more effective approach would be to try to meet the needs of the students and see what the department can do to help them by understanding the student, their academic and personal background, and experience.

If attrition rates demonstrate patterns that can no longer be attributed to individuals, it is important that departments evaluate possible institutional struggles. When students are asked directly about their perspective, it has been my experience that their response indicates a lack of support and consideration by department faculty. I have heard many students make the claim, "My professor just doesn't understand what I am going through." It is possible that these faculty members are not able to meet the needs of their students because they are not familiar with the life experiences of a first generation student. They may not understand that not every student at Santa Clara comes from well-educated middle-class parents who have been able to provide their children with effective private educations.

To understand students' struggles, it is necessary for their personal needs to be met with the support of the department. To avoid the continuation and replication of attrition rates it is necessary that the problem be addressed and challenged. The quality and reputation of the natural and physical science curriculum at Santa Clara is one that is widely respected among universities everywhere. Understanding the background of the students is important in any attempt to maintain students in the natural sciences.

When I entered Santa Clara, I participated in a pre-medical conference for entering Latino freshmen who indicated an interest in pre-med. Of those 18 student participants, only one student remains declared as a natural science major. All of us entered with dreams to become physicians for various reasons embedded in our personal history. None of us were seeking this career for the money but wanted to become doctors because being one meant something to us and our families. In my case, becoming a doctor meant returning to that county clinic that my family and I were forced to attend, and as a physician, doing something that the clinic physicians did not do for my family: treat patients with respect. To have patients in the waiting room called to the patient room by their family name rather than, "Hey, you there." To speak the native language of the community and to understand their culture and alternative home remedies and medicines. These were the reasons why I, and many others in my cohort, wanted to become doctors. Nonetheless, our dreams to make a change in communities across the globe were shattered by the lack of support we received.

Like many others, I came from a poor natural science background because my high school was not strong in the sciences. Entering Santa Clara University, I was immersed in a rigorous natural science curriculum that has for many years proved to prepare students for any type of science profession. I looked forward to this preparation because the natural sciences have such a good reputation in many medical schools, but I was not well prepared for the challenge. Many of us worked strenuously through our science courses, and in an attempt to do better, sought tutoring, attended weekly study sessions, and went to our professors' office hours.

Nevertheless, we continued to struggle to achieve our dream. One day, three of us sought help from one professor after we each received a "C" on our mid-term and were surprised at our professors' indifference. After speaking to our professor, he took out a stack of pre-signed drop forms and suggested that we drop the class and change our major all together because our chances of doing well in our major were slim. After this meeting, we were each given the forms and then proceeded on our own way not knowing what was in the minds of each other. I remember walking in front of the Mission church knowing how much I loved being at this school yet questioning whether or not I belonged or was even wanted here.

I began to internalize my professors' thoughts and questioned my position at the University. I even questioned whether or not I should return the following year. I was doing well in all of my classes but the dreams I had were slowly crumbling as I recalled the comments made by my professor. I felt sad, hurt, and disappointed. All I had worked for was suddenly being taken away from me. I felt powerless as if my autonomy was taken away and I no longer had control over my future. I tried my very best in my science classes but somehow my needs were not being met. I was told I could not pursue something I really wanted, but was not advised about other options that I had to get to medical school. I later found about other options to get to medical school that I now share with people who I know have had similar experiences.

For a very long time I felt that I was alone. I felt that I was the only person who was feeling this way. I soon learned that I was not alone. I have spoken to students who have burst into tears when describing to me what they felt when advised to leave the sciences. It hurt them as much as it hurt me to leave the natural sciences. The difference was that they were not familiar with their options. I realize that advice is important for all students to consider. But to tell students to leave the sciences without understanding at least their motivations for their careers should be reevaluated. When I decided to change my major, I took the form to the department to get signed by the department chair. I expected to sit down with the department chair and discuss my reasons for leaving the natural sciences and to provide some feedback about what the department can do differently to retain their students. Unfortunately, this did not occur. I never got to speak to the department chair and got my form signed by the department office assistant. I am still sad to think that the department chair did not find the time to hear my side of the story.

I am confident that there are other students who share similar experiences in adjusting to the Santa Clara community, but our voices and needs continue to be unheard. As students we have been socialized not to question an established institution and to understand that everyone has an equal chance of doing well. The barriers that we encounter are thus "our problem" because "we did something wrong." It is important that the university understand that not all students are coming from the same education background or life experiences. In addition, the needs of first generation college students are similar across race, class, and gender differences, in their attempt to seek higher education. Understanding this could help the University develop and strengthen programs that better meet the needs of students.

Students who are not first generation college students do not have the same experiences as I and other first generation students in our transition from high school to the university. Because our families are not familiar with the education system, their involvement in our adjustment to the university is limited. We are the first to make this leap to higher education and thus do not come from families who are familiar with the college process. It is thus important to take a holistic look at the college student and attempt to understand how his or her life experiences impacts academic needs. In doing so, the university can develop, implement, or revise programs that can better meet the needs of students. First generation college students may have personal experiences that can hinder or excel their adjustment to the university community. In many cases, first generation students can also contribute much to the college community in celebration of their life. In considering the life experiences and personal history of first generation students, universities across the U.S. can better understand the needs of their students.

As I look to the future and all that I can accomplish with the education I am receiving, I also cherish my heritage as a Mexican born and raised in a traditional family in East San Jose. Although hanging on to my culture is difficult at times as I become the last in my immediate family to be a first generation college student, I hope that the benefits my community and I will receive as a result of my dual identities will be worth the effort.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS: I would like to thank my family for their unconditional support throughout my studies at Santa Clara University and for their spiritual guidance. They have fostered the confidence that makes me the leader I am today.

I would also like to thank Fr. Luis Calero, Dr. Charles H. Powers, and Dr. William Eisinger for their empowerment and guidance in my academic efforts.