Santa Clara University

If you’re like most parents, helping your child find the right college feels like one of your last parental responsibilities—as important as having taught your child to walk.

This time, however, the job is more complicated. You may be less certain of how best to help, and the stakes can seem painfully high. As your son or daughter begins the process of applying for college, it’s useful to gain some perspective on the roles you may want to play.

 

Preparing for a rite of passage

Try to see the admissions process as a rite of passage. In our society, we share very few such formal milestones, and this makes the application process valuable in its own right, however it unfolds. Of course you can and should provide support and encouragement. You can celebrate each step along the way. But most of the process must belong to your child.
 

Cheering from the sidelines

You need to make sure you are not too caught up in the process yourself. Consider the language you use; if you find yourself referring to “our application,” you are not allowing your child enough room.

It also means that prospective students should do all their own legwork. They should be the ones to go online or call for application materials. They should ask their own questions on campus tours. They should conceive of and execute their own essays and application answers. For young adults, taking this initiative is an important way of trying their wings, the first step toward flying away to create a life of their own.

 

Broadening your child's horizons

Young people can come to the process of college admissions with many unspoken assumptions: “My parents would never let me go so far from home.” “We could never afford an out-of-state school.” “Dad really thinks I should go to his alma mater.” Help your son or daughter think as broadly as possible, early in the search process, so he or she has a better chance of finding a school that fits.

 

Getting current

It helps to remember that the college admissions process isn’t the same as when you may have applied to college yourself. In the last two or three decades, the process has become dramatically more pressured and competitive, and students now routinely apply to many more schools than before.

In many cases, individual schools are different now, too. They may be stronger in certain areas, or be emphasizing entirely new things. Be sure you’re working with current information, and not just from the perspective of when you might have been in college.
 

Finding the right fit

For your son or daughter, the college search and application process should be about one thing only: finding the right fit. Fit means finding a community where your child shares the fundamental values and priorities, and feels comfortable enough to take the social and intellectual risks that make college really worthwhile.
 

Getting ready for the unexpected outcome

A critical job for parents is to make sure that young people don't interpret disappointing admissions decisions as a terrible verdict on their worth as a human being.

No matter how confident you are of your child’s abilities and college chances, there is the possibility that your son or daughter may receive a decision letter from a college that brings disappointing news.

Most often, admission denials are due to too many excellent applicants and too few available spaces. Your support and encouragement are especially important if your child is not admitted to his or her first-choice school. Your job at that moment is to manage your own reaction so you can help your child move forward with confidence and realize that other doors will inevitably open.