I-Statements

What is an I-statement?

An I-statement is a message structured in such a way that it may be heard and fully attended to by a listener, while provoking no, or as little defensiveness as possible. This makes the statement easier to hear and respond to in a productive manner.

In addition, delivering a message in this way, may also prevent interactions from escalating into open conflict, while allowing the speaker to feel a slight catharsis in expressing their feelings and needs honestly to a listener.

How do we do it?

E: Express emotion (“I feel”)

• By using the words “I feel”, you take ownership of your feelings while also avoiding blame. Hearing blame pushes people to tune out of the message, and it makes it far more difficult for them to listen for better understanding, instead, they may be listening for rebuttal.

D: Describe the specific behavior

• Describing the specific behavior is a way to separate the people from the problem. Refraining from a judgment or label of the other person is especially important because committing on a judgment or label could negatively shape the experience you have. Deciding a person is “stupid” or acted out of malice will likely change your thoughts and the way you act into the situation.
• In addition, describing the specific behavior gives the listener something tangible that they may reflect on and change later on.

R: Reason for the emotion

• This helps to make clear to the other person why the specific behavior contributed to your feelings. Often, a person might understand their own behaviors as innocuous, but helping them to understand the impact of their behavior would allow the other person to empathize with the speaker. 

I:  “I-need” - make the request

• Finally, this step clarifies the need of the speaker and suggests something tangible the listener can do toward addressing the speaker’s concern. This might also open the door to a broader dialogue on certain issues. When constructing your message, avoid all instances of the word “you” before this stage, as it may provoke defensiveness before the other person has a chance to understand you. “You” is appropriate here because your request is intended to invite the other to acknowledgement, greater dialogue, or modification of the behaviors they’ve chosen.

Example:

E: I feel frustrated when

D: I am not fully informed of everyone’s attendance at the event after asking for confirmation a week prior

R: Because I need those confirmations to be sure everyone has a meal at the event, and when they don’t it makes me look bad to the administrators present

I: I need to be fully informed. Can you help me by confirming your attendance for future events please? (Try to avoid all instances of the word “you” prior to this step, as “you” can provoke defensiveness).