I Am Tired: Reflections from a Santa Clara University Alumna.

Zipporah Ridley ’17 is a Santa Clara University alumna, former Hackworth Fellow with the Markkula Center for Applied Ethics, and pro bono case manager at Philadelphia VIP, a provider of free legal services.

 

I am tired.

I am tired of having the same conversations, the same arguments, the same petitions, the same marches. All to simply exist.

I am tired of being shown that I don’t matter. That my brother doesn’t matter. That my mother doesn’t matter. That my father doesn’t matter. That my aunts, uncles, nieces, and nephews don’t matter. I am tired. I am so profoundly tired.  

I was tired in Selma in 1965 and I am tired now. 

I am tired of needing to reassure myself that I matter. That we matter. I am tired.

I am tired of using my trauma and emotional labor to educate others. I am tired.

I am tired of explaining respectability politics. I am tired of explaining that buildings can be rebuilt, but a life that is lost cannot come back.

I am tired of seeing black bodies mutilated.

I am tired of seeing black bodies murdered.

I was tired in Mississippi in 1955 and I am tired now. 

I am tired of not feeling safe.

I am tired of living in a country that mourns broken glass and burned buildings, but not broken necks.

I am tired.

I am tired. I can’t buy skittles.

I am tired. I can’t play in a park.

I am tired. I can’t drive home.

I am tired. I can’t sell CDs. 

I am tired. I can’t sell cigarettes. 

I am tired. I am tired of being left in the street.

I am tired. I can’t jog.

I am tired. I can’t sleep in my own home.

I am tired. I can’t bird watch.

I am tired of chokeholds. 

I am tired of being a target.

I was tired in Los Angeles in 1992. I am still tired. 

I am tired of new hashtags.

I am tired of living in fear. I am tired of wondering who’s next. I am tired.

I was tired in Virginia in August 1831. I am still tired. 

I am tired of mourning. 

I am tired of protesting. 

I am tired of crying, screaming, and fighting for justice.

I am tired of asking, begging, and pleading for equality.

I am tired of waiting. 

I am tired.

I am tired.

We are tired.

Aren’t you?

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Read:

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Santa Clara University’s Ethnic Studies Department

Campaign Zero and their #8CantWait Initiative 

Between the World and Me by Tanehisi Coates

Freedom Is a Constant Struggle: Ferguson, Palestine, and the Foundations of a Movement by Angela Y. Davis

How to be an Antiracist by Ibram X. Kendi

White Fragility: Why It's So Hard for White People to Talk About Racism by Robin DiAngelo 

Race Matters by Cornel West

“Why I’m no longer talking to white people about race” by Reni Eddo-Lodge 

Just Mercy by Brian Stevenson

Take care of yourself:

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Santa Clara University’s Office of Multicultural Learning

Santa Clara University’s Campus Ministry

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